When elves attack
by weirdmitch
Summary: 2000 years of slavery is enough to push anyone over the edge... i just changed to pg-13 if it should be R please dont just report me please review and ill change back


Part I: The story  
  
Once, far away, there was a squirrel who lost his nuts. Then there was a parrot who got disowned. But screw them, this is about a place. A place called the North Pole.  
  
Now in this place lived a slave driver, whose name was Santa Claws (yes "claws as in cat or dog claws, that's the correct way to spell his name). Who were his slaves you ask? The elves. They had been his slaves for thousands of years. Until one day, a kid named Josh asked for an uzi. Santa decided that since this kid had been almost perfect all year, and since it was the only thing he wanted, he deserved it. So Santa ordered one uzi. The elves, being tired of slavery, decided to make one whole armory of uzis, and ammo too. Then another kid named John, who had also been almost perfect, asked for one thing and one thing only: a rocket launcher. The elves were ordered to build one rocket launcher, but they made 1000. Henning asked for a sword but he was a jerk so... Nothing. The elves were disappointed; no swords. Then _______(you fill in the name with someone you dislike) we'll call him Trent. (A poor deprived kid who is considered the most hated on the planet, by everyone). He asked for every weapon under the sun, and Santa took pity on Trent and put in an order for every weapon under the sun. This turned out to be the most important part of Santa's demise.  
  
What will happen next? Will the elves start to plan to kill Santa? I'm gonna ruin it, of course. Will Mrs. Claws find out about their plan and try to stop them? Maybe. Will Trent become the most popular kid ever? No. So read part II (or else), find out if I'm a liar (which I'm not) and just keep reading.  
  
Part II: The story's second part  
  
"Connor"! "Hmm, what do you want?" "Every weapon under the sun is ready." "Oh ok good... well what else?" "Can I use one of the ion cannons?" "Don't worry... whats your name?" "Matt." "Yes Matt there are plenty of weapons to go around." "Can I use it early?" "What? No!" "Well... can I sabotage the ones going to Trent?" "Why?" "Because I hate that kid and I want to kill him." "Fine go ahead"  
  
***************  
  
"Hmm, Santa, I think the elves are up to something." "Don't be ridiculous we've had them enslaved for this long. Nothing's changing anytime soon." But Santa was wrong -- very very wrong.  
  
So what's next? Will Mrs. Claws try to stop them? Maybe. Will Trent become the most popular kid ever? No. Will Santa somehow get a cloning machine and make a clone army? Oh, who cares, you're about to read the next part (hopefully) and find out. So read part III (or else), find out if I'm a liar (which I may be) and just keep reading.  
  
Part III: The third part of the story.  
By the way, Trent dies in a gory fashion.....  
Oh crap, I ruined it.  
  
Now in Denver, Colorado (or wherever this "Trent" kid lives) the elves mailed him his presents early, saying he was special and deserved them. Really they wanted to have the sabotaged weapons before Santa stopped delivering. He opened them up and tried to snipe a pigeon in the air but because of the sabotage he ended up shooting himself in the arm. Then he tried the machine gun. 1000 rounds into his stomach in .2 seconds. After he tried the shotgun, he was barely alive. Now most people would have gotten the hint by now, but he was a dunce so he picked up the rocket launcher, and fired. There are still pieces of him in the yard.  
  
So what now? Did I just put Trent in to kill him for fun? ...... Yeah, pretty much. But will he still become the most popular kid ever? No, get it through your friggin skull HE WILL NEVER BE POPULAR!!!!!!! And Mrs. Claws -- what's going to happen to her? Keep reading and don't find out the answer until 2 parts form now. Hahahahahahahaha now it will be eating at your insides, wondering what will happen? What will happen? Suckers, I know what will happen so keep reading.  
  
Part IV: The part without a name  
  
Matt was very pleased with the results of his sabotage. However there was still work to be done so he went to his commander Henning(2) (not to mix him up with the other Henning we mentioned and are never going back to. From now on he is Henning). Oh yeah, Connor is not commander, even though Matt went to him for permission last time. Connor's second and also head and only sniper. Anyway. "Commander Henning, what about Mrs. Claws?" "Yes what about Beth?"(Mrs. Claws is named Beth, but you can fill in the name with any one who is nice but can easily be pictured as evil). "Yes, what if she interferes?" "If she doesn't bother us we don't bother her." "What if she tries to stop us?" "Matt Matt Matt, my friend can you tell me whats hidden in the secret compound in the basement?" "Yes, 3,000,000 uzis, 1000 rocket launchers and 600,000,000 of every weapon under the sun." "Correct. We're armed to the teeth. What could Beth do to that? Scratch us with her fingernails?" "Oh we'll see what I can do to that", muttered a voice from outside the door, a voice which the elves neither knew about or heard.  
  
*****************  
  
"Dang't. Where are those weapons?" Just then Beth stepped on the secret switch of which I have told you nothing. "What the heck, the weapon factory?" "Hello Beth, Matt get the uzi." "Yes sir." "Poor poor Beth." "What are you going to do to me you, you jer-" "One uzi." "Thank you. Bye Beth. We'll miss you more than Trent." "Open fire..." 100 rounds of lead were in her body and she felt no pain before she died.  
This is where I put a bunch of questions asking about whats next and probably some really lame attempts for jokes.  
  
Part V: The first final attack  
  
603,001,000 weapons were passed out, and the elves were happy. "Today is a fine day for Santa to die!"called Henning. "Today Santas getting nuked" shouted Connor. "Blood and gore make us want more!" came the response from the rest of the elves.  
  
Note the rest of the story is some high rating for blood and gore.  
  
*****************  
  
There was a knock at Santa's door. He was slightly drunk and couldn't hear. Outside the elves talked. "What now?" "I don't know Henning?" "Connor, Henning, if i may?" "Sure Matt what?" "Well, we're just gonna kill him, so why are we wasting time being polite?" Henning and Connor looked at each other. 10 seconds later the door went flying in. "Huh? What the heck?" "Hey Santa, did you know slavery really sucks." "What?" "Slavery sucks." "What?" "SANTA COULD YOU LET US DELIVER OUR CATCH PHRASE?!!" "What? A little louder." One elf got impatient and shot him in the jaw, and as the blood poured from his jaw bone he said some stuff they couldn't understand and pulled out a key less entry. He hit the button and the ground started to move.  
So what's next, a bunch of crap I've already said? A bunch of crap I haven't said? Just keep reading.  
  
Part VI: The second final attack  
  
Now you would think that all these elves and all these weapons would be able to take Santa, no prob. But you don't know the same 3 things the elves who were thinking that didn't know.  
  
1. Santa has a cloning machine 2. He cloned himself into the millions 3. He trained them into army specialists  
  
The war began. "All right, let's do this" said Connor from his sniping post. "Don't get cocky." said Henning, turning to look at him. Chink! Pow! A bullet whizzed by his head. Henning turned and saw a Santa clone behind him. Blood was coming from between his eyes. Connor had popped him just before he killed Henning. "Ok, I owe you one". Pow! "Ok, two." Henning was surprised -- he had never seen this much blood in one place. He turned to the war and opened fire. He thought it was bloody before. Then it seemed like they had won after hours of fighting and Henning now owed Connor 25. It was over for about 5 seconds then the medium Santas came out. "Where did he get all these weapons? He can't even put batteries in a flashlight, much less build medium weapons and armor." "Who cares!" "Murder!" all the elves shouted. And murder they did for another 5 hours, when finally it looked like the blood would stop. Then after a 10 second break, the 3 heavy Santas came out, so covered with armor they could hardly walk. "Find me a weakness, theres nowhere to kill that dirty crapper." Eventually he got a shot to the eyes and the clone was stupid enough to take off his helmet. "He's as dumb as the original Santa. Jeez that's a lot of blood."  
  
Henning tried a different approach; he blew the head off with a rocket launcher. It flew so far it hit a Frenchmen in the head, and he surrendered instantly.  
  
Matt threw 3 grenades under the helmet. 3 explosions, armor everywhere and guts for 30 miles.  
  
What will happen next? Will Trent come from the grave and become the most popular kid ever? No. Will I end this story, yes unfortunately. But hey if it gets good reviews I'll write another.  
  
Part VII: The end to the crappy story... conclusion  
  
Now as we speak the elves, are walking through the halls of their new mansion and in every hall seeing a Santa head hanging to remind them. Revenge is sweet and SLAVERY SUCKS!! 


End file.
